Blow
by VampireApple
Summary: Crack fic parody of Ke ha's song.


**Dedication:** For my best friend, Winchester26, who loves Avengers and my sister, HavanaVampire, who hates Ke$ha.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything

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Bruce felt distinctly uncomfortable as he stood in line. He wondered how much grief Tony would give him if he just left now. No, better to suffer now for a few hours than spend the week with an unhappy Tony. At least he was out here and not in the club. Even Tony couldn't have argued that Bruce needed to leave with the rest of them. He had needed to finish those calculations, which was why he had left forty-five minutes after the rest of them and was outside. He could call Tony, and he would get him in the club right away, but it was much better to be outside waiting.

To amuse himself he went through the numbers of Pi. He was on number one hundred and sixty-seven when someone bumped into him. He glanced at the person. It was a young blonde woman. She was covered in dirt and glitter, her clothes were ripped and she looked drunk. She wasn't a street vagrant, just a girl who had been partying for days on end. Hulk determined she was not a threat and ignored her.

"Hey. Hey, you," she said.

Bruce assumed she was talking to him, as she was starring right at him. "Yes?"

"Are you waiting to get in?"

"Yes, I am."

"Back door's cracked, we don't need a key. We can get in for free."

"That would be unethical."

The girl laughed. "I like you."

"Um…"

"Now you're one of us, you're coming with me." She grabbed his arm and dragged him out of the line. She was surprisingly strong.

Bruce was more confused than anything else. Hulk wasn't worried so he had no reason to be. She led him to the ally beside the club. There was a large group of twenty-something's just like her; dirty, glittery and drunk. As soon as the group saw her they quieted, waiting expectantly. Keeping Bruce's arm in a death grip the girl addressed the group. It was a little difficult for him to understand her, due to all the slurring.

"We're pretty and sick. We're young and we're bored. It's time to lose your mind and let the crazy out! Tonight we're taking control, no one's getting out. Tonight we're taking names because we don't mess around. It's time to kill the lights and take the DJ down. We get what we want, we do what they won't. This place about to blow!"

The crowd cheered. Several fell down but staggered back to their feet. One person went to their knees and threw up, then collapsed onto the ground. Bruce tried to go over to see if they were okay but the blonde dragged him to the center of the group. He tried to avoid touching anyone. He failed miserably.

She spoke drunk-talk to several people. Bruce felt mildly claustrophobic. He pinched his nose with his free hand in an effort not to smell the people around him. Hulk still wasn't worried.

"Excuse me, miss? Miss?" H gently tugged his arm to get her attention. She turned to look at him and ended up stumbling into him. He awkwardly helped steady her because she was still holding his arm. "Miss, what's going on?"

She starred at him uncomprehendingly.

Bruce sighed. "Why did you bring me here?"

Her face brightened and she mumbled something he couldn't understand. She grabbed a red plastic cup out of someone's hands and shoved it at him. Bruce grabbed it to prevent it from spilling all over him.

"Drink that kool-aid, follow my lead."

Bruce sniffed the cup. It didn't look or smell like kool-aid. There was no way he was going to drink it.

"What-" before he could finish she yanked him towards the back door of the club, which Bruce was surprised to see that it was, in fact, cracked open.

"Go insane, go insane, throw some glitter, make it rain on 'em. Let me see them hands! Let me, let me see them hands!" she screamed as she tried to run to the door. She would have fallen several times if Bruce hadn't held her upright.

Inside the club was not what Bruce was expecting. There were flashing lights and fog machines everywhere. Loud music made it almost impossible to hear. Even though he was beginning to get a headache, Hulk didn't fuss. Bruce wondered how he was ever going to find the rest of his team. It took him few minutes to figure out that the drunken group of twenty-something's were throwing fistfuls of red glitter at people. He actually scratched his head, trying to figure out what they were doing.

There was lots of screaming and yelling. The music, fog and flashing lights weren't making it any easier for him to understand what was going on. The blonde was yelling at her posse, slurring her words badly.

It was almost a shock to his system when the floor lights came on and the music stopped. Suddenly the whole room was filled with police officers and there was a different sort of chaos. Bystanders, the drunk kids and the police were all shouting, people running, falling down. Bruce stood and looked around him, wondering if he was in the tornado that took Dorothy to OZ. The blonde was still yelling, and wouldn't let go of his arm. Bruce hoped he wouldn't accidently kill a witch with a vengeful sister. Or loose circulation in his arm.

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Bruce sat in an office at the police station. He held a cup of hot tea in his hands, and had three blankets over his shoulders. Apparently people were worried he was going to go into shock. They seemed to think he had been kidnapped. Why bright orange blankets would help hi copse with shock, he didn't know.

Everyone had been very nice to him, a very bizarre experience. They had even gotten the blonde off of his arm. An officer had taken his statement, treading carefully, not because of Hulk, but because they were worried that he might have a mental breakdown from 'trauma suffered'. The officer interviewing him had been very kind, and seemed horrified by what he endured. According to them, his life had been in danger several times, and they were particularly concerned about the 'kool-aid'. At the station he had head words like 'cult leader' and 'criminal mastermind' float around. It couldn't have been the blonde, right? She was in violation of drunk and disorderly conduct, but that was about it. Bruce decided the wisest thing for him to do was to sip his tea and wait to see what happened.

Crashing noses brought his attention to the door. Tony burst in a few seconds later.

"Oh, thank God!" He lunged over the table to pull Bruce into a hug. "Guys, I found him, he's in here!"

The rest of the team appeared in the room, each giving exclamations of thanks. They all group hugged him. It was difficult for Bruce to breathe, but it was nice to know his team had found him. It made looking for them much less difficult. They seemed surprisingly happy to see him. He was unsure why they were so happy to see him though. Or how they had found him.

"We are so glad you're alive," Steve said.

"The thought of your death was most unpleasant," Thor added.

"What is going on?" Bruce asked.

"We decided to go to a different nightclub," Clint informed him. "You didn't check your phone, did you?"

Bruce's mind flashed to where his cell phone was, in the drawer of his nightstand where it had been for the last three days. His blush told his teammates everything they needed to know.

"Tony was checking his phone and saw a news clip about the commotion at the club you went too. We realized that you must have gone to that one because you weren't with us and Tony said you should have finished in the lab. Really, Bruce, cult leaders?" Natasha said.

"Since we didn't hear anything about Hulk, we thought you might have been dead," Tony said.

Bruce wasn't sure how to tell his team that he had never been in any danger, and he had no idea what all the fuss was about. It was nice to know that they cared, but still. It hadn't been serious, or dangerous. Any time he tried to tell them this he would get hugs and they would say that he didn't need to put on his brave face. H had suffered through enough trauma and they all assured him he was safe at the tower. The team wouldn't let him be by himself for almost a month. They were convinced that the 'crazy drunk criminals' would try to steal him. Bruce found this in turns to be endearing and annoying. Still, he supposed it was better than a drunk blonde clinging to him like a limpet. Except Tony would sometimes do that. At least he wasn't covered in glitter.

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Yes this fic is inspired by Ke$ha's 'Blow'. Please let me know what you think.


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